In this post I look at how the Kubler-Ross change model applies to billions of us navigating our new way of life right now. I point out many of us are embarking on multiple change curves; whether that be learning how to work from home, homeschooling children or living in isolation among many other challenges. And with change comes a lot of emotions - as we saunter or skip between resisting change and committing to change by exploring new ways of being.
I finally talk a little about how we can move through these emotions more easily. I briefly explore the importance of knowing where we do have control and influence at a time where we can feel we don’t have much. It’s important to know where we have agency and control in our lives as we navigate this new normal and seek to come out the other side having hopefully learned something positive along the way.
You can skip to the end of this article if you’d like to do an exercise that will help you think through how you can use your control and influence to navigate this change in a way that serves you.
KUBLER-ROSS CHANGE CURVE
The Kubler-Ross Change Curve is used by business leaders across the world to help their workforce understand and adapt to change and move towards success. Its origins lie in the 5 stages of grief and consists of the various levels or stages of emotions which are experienced by a person who will soon approach death or survivors of an intimate death. The 5 stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This model was introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in a book called ‘Death and Dying’. After publication the model was widely accepted and it was found that it was valid in a majority of cases and situations relating to change.
The 5 stages, according to Kubler-Ross, are transferable to different ways and degrees and can vary from person to person. It also holds true in the case of others who may be facing less serious physical conditions or trauma, such as those enduring work issues, relationship problems and financial problems.
In the times we live in right now this change curve seems applicable. Billions of people are on it and at different points on any given day. Below is the model. And beneath it an example of how many of us may have reacted when at certain points on the curve.
Shock - “They locked down a whole city in China… that’s really odd.”
Denial - “Italy is in nationwide lockdown? I don’t think it could be the same here.”
Frustration - “I hate lockdown. I want to see my family, friends and colleagues. I don’t want to work from home. I want to go on the holiday I booked!”
Depression - “I’m sad about what I’ve lost - my freedom of movement, my social connections, my job security.”
Up to this point change is being resisted. Beyond this point we move into committed acceptance, whereby we begin to embrace change.
Experiment - “Working from home is still happening for the foreseeable future, let’s think about what’s not working and try out new approaches. Maybe I won’t work in the bedroom, kitchen, hallway, and living room and just work in the spare bedroom instead.”
Decision - “With my new desk, plants, slack tea break chats, and by getting properly dressed for my work day I got a lot more done today!”
Integration - After lockdown I may now even ask to work from home on Fridays!”
HOW MANY CHANGES ARE YOU EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW?
It’s important to mention you may be on one change curve or several. Here are the most common changes we are experiencing:
Remote working
Homeschooling
Isolation
Caring for parents/grand parents/neighbours that are shielding/social distancing
Ill health (personal, in home, friends/relatives)
Job insecurity
Furlough
Financial insecurity
Role change
How many of these are you experiencing at the moment?
When I reflect on my own experiences and those of the clients I coach it becomes clear that we dart between different points on the curve in any given day. And we are on several curves, which makes this perhaps even more confusing emotionally - “Is the frustration I’m feeling right now because of the fact I’m remote working, the fact I’m home-shooling my child, the fact I’m still feeling ill, or a combination of all three?”. The day can therefore become a ‘rainbow of emotions’ as I call it. I have one client that is keen to experiment with effective ways to work from home whilst at the same time feeling frustrated by the lack of sleep she is getting due to her toddler now being permanently at home. She’s also frustrated the promotions rounds have been postponed at work until the year end and her partner just got put on furlough, which could cause feelings of anxiety and depression due to their shift in finances.
Yet it can be tempting to focus on the positive and say “I’m fine” when people ask. Particularly when it is our family or our work colleagues, since we may not want to appear weak. But if we deny we are even on the curve and won’t talk about where we are on it then how can we expect to move through it?
MOVING THROUGH THE CURVE
Feelings of shock, denial, and frustration are all natural responses as we seek to resist change. This is normal since change means loss - losing the way things were. But as we begin to acknowledge what we have lost and begin to feel sadness or depression about it we are then moving closer to what I’ve heard described as committed acceptance whereby we consciously choose to accept reality for what it is and begin to embrace the change and the new opportunities it can bring in ways that will benefit us. So how can we move through the curve, so we can get to committed acceptance?
I think there are 4 key aspects we can draw from psychotherapy and coaching that are important for us to think about, so we can all move through the curve in healthy ways.
1. CONTAINMENT - CREATE A SPACE WHERE SHOCK, FRUSTRATION, AND SADNESS CAN BE EXPRESSED AND SHARED
Our emotions need containment… within ourselves or by sharing them with others.
In my role as a coach I act as a container (like the glass above) for my client’s emotions. If they are navigating a big change it’s useful for them to pour out some of their feelings of denial, frustration and sadness. Doing so helps them clear their thinking, so they can move on to the work of imagining new possibilities for how to make the change work for them. If they don’t have anyone to act as a container for them then those feelings or frustration, anger and sadness can build up inside them or leak in unwanted and unrelated places, such as workplace arguments, domestic squabbles, or supermarket aisle stand-offs.
So how can we act as containers for the people around us? We do it by being there for people. Ask how they are feeling. Listen. Reflect back what we hear them say about how they are feeling, so they feel heard. Tending to emotions in this way helps contain others’ emotions. When this doesn’t happen emotions can build up or leak in outbursts. Talking, listening and labelling our emotions turns down the volume of these emotions. This then allows us to think more rationally and carry on. It’s worth noting many of us are not taking normal breaks right now, so get we exhausted a lot quicker and are therefore less able to contain our emotions. I’ve heard many stories of people who are working right through their day in back-to-back Zoom meetings or wanting to work on projects to feel ‘busy’.
So I invite you to ask yourself who is helping you contain your emotions. Who can you tell how you are really feeling from one moment to the next right now? And if you leads teams (or parent a family) then it’s important to ask how they are feeling too. Do you listen and reflect back to them what they are saying to validate they have been heard and that it is ok for them to feel that way right now?
2. CREATE PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY - A SAFE SPACE TO EXPRESS HOW PEOPLE FEEL,
REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE ON THE CURVE
It’s important for people to know that they won’t be judged if they want to talk openly about their challenges right now.
When talking about where we are on the curve it needs to be a space of curiosity and non-judgement. A space where losing face will never be a concern. A space that can contain any anxiety, frustration, or sadness, so it can be expressed. These spaces need to permit people to be vulnerable and say “I need time off tomorrow” or “this is really hard/challenging” and for that to be ok. People are often anxious about how they will be perceived at work if they say these things. They worry if they say something will they be considered weak or unable to cope. Leaders need to get in touch with this level of anxiety amongst staff and alleviate it. Invite people to share and speaks up about how they are really feeling when you talk to them. Be honest and open about where you are on the curve. Encourage people to embrace and learn from failures and mistakes - so what if they are feeling less productive at home? That’s to be expected. They can instead reflect on what might be blocking them in this new work environment and play with changes to see if it helps. Be curious about where they are struggling or are frustrated. Ask questions about how they might overcome their challenges. Talk about your own frustrations, fears, and worries too, to role model that it’s ok to talk about that. Talking about it enables these feelings to be discharged.
I invite you to think about where you could feel safe to talk about how you are finding these changes. And ask who you can help to feel safe to talk about how they are finding these changes too.
3. FIND A SECURE BASE OR BE A SECURE BASE
We all need a secure base of our own. It can be a person (a trusted family member, friend, partner , colleague, a coach or a therapist). Or a hobby or a spiritual practice - someone or something that you can go to to recharge yourself or to turn to when you need to talk/think. That offers comfort and reassurance and at the same time allows us to operate in the world with confidence.
In attachment theory a ‘secure base’ is provided through a relationship with one or more sensitive and responsive attachment figures who meet the child’s needs and to whom the child can turn as a safe haven, when upset or anxious. When children develop trust in the availability and reliability of this relationship, their anxiety is reduced and they can therefore explore and enjoy their world, safe in the knowledge they can return to their secure base for help if needed. We as adults also need a secure base as we explore this emerging new normal whilst occasionally feeling upset or anxiety too. I for one rely on a weekly Skype chat with my mum to discuss my worries, concerns, frustrations as well as sharing the positives in all this. I also check-in with close friends each week to share how we are all feeling. And I commit to a daily walk, since it helps clear my thinking and means I know I’ve done one good thing for my health every day (I like to think it counter-balances the increased chocolate intake of late).
And if you are a leader you need to think about how you could role model being a secure base. Such leaders show trust in their team, show they believe the team can succeed, make themselves available to listen and are consistently available. Alternatively, Avoidant/Dismissive leaders don’t want to talk about feelings at work, wanting team members to just get on with job and so create more anxiety in their team. They also tend to micro-manage more in the team, which indicates a lack of trust; raising anxiety levels further.
Think about what or who is your secure base. What could it be? Who could it be? And how can you be a more secure base for those who look up to you?
4. CREATING A REFLECTIVE SPACE
We all need a place to step away from doing and to just be…
Having a space to still ourselves at times of high anxiety like this is important. It’s critical for teams and families to have this space too. If you lead a team or have family or friends that depend on you it’s useful to do 5 minute check-ins to ask:
How are you? (Really?)
What are you worried about?
What’s going well?
What do you need?
What can move from “good” to “good enough”?
And when you give yourself reflection space you can ask some key open questions - “What am I going to do about my relationships? My work? My health? My leisure time?”
Ask yourself where your reflective space is in your current week. If it’s not present then where can you create one?
I personally journal in the mornings to answer the above, but know others who have family meals where these questions are explored.
COMMITTED ACCEPTANCE: STARTING TO EMBRACE THE NEW NORMAL…
As individuals we can’t control and never have been able to control outside forces like the environment, mass media, the economy, and government policy. The same is true for COVID 19 as a global health crisis and subsequent effects such as being furloughed. But we can control our responses.
The moment we feel out of control is the moment for what Mo Gawdat, author of the best seller Solve For Happy, calls committed acceptance. This is the idea that sometimes there are things we cannot fully steer in the direction we want them to go to - at least not for now. For this moment we can choose to accept the current reality and do the responsible thing to make our life the best it can be.
When you feel ready to embrace the changes that form part of this emerging new normal you can start focusing on what you can do and what you can affect in the present moment. For example, the act of staying at home during lockdown is committed acceptance. But it doesn’t stop there.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
— Serenity Prayer
In the book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” Stephen R Covey talked about the concept of your Circle of Concern and your Circle of Influence. The Circle of Concern contains a wide range of concerns you have in your work life - including health, family, finances, national debt, etc. Everything in it is a concern that matters to you and everything outside of it is of little or no concern to you.
Once you populate this circle you start to realise that some of these concerns are outside of your control and some are within your control. For example you may be concerned about the health of family member or their job security or the wider economy, but can you really do anything about it?
So it becomes critical to become aware of your Circle of Influence within your Circle of Concern (see diagram below). These are things that concern you that you can do something about. For example, you may be worried about the economy (your circle of concern), however what can you do about it (your circle of influence) in terms of how you run your business if you own one? Or you may be concerned about the healthcare system, however what can you do about protecting your own health?
Some using Covey’s Circles model add a further circle - the Circle of Control. This makes it clearer to articulate the power of choice that comes with committed acceptance and so doing responsible things to make your daily life the best it can be.
When you get to the stage of committed acceptance on your respective change curve(s) it might be helpful to draw your own circles and reflect on the following:
What good is worry bringing me, instead of dedicating my energy to the stuff that I can actually affect?
Where am I currently spending the majority of my thinking time and doing time? In the Circle of Concern or the Circle of Influence?
Am I currently being as personally effective as I can in my life when I look at my circles?
What strategies or tools could I use to help transform my life?
HOW CAN YOU MAKE SURE READING THIS MAKES A DIFFERENCE TO YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW?
We have the right to feel concerned right now. The situation calls for concern, heartache, feeling challenged and stressed at times. When you feel these things it’s valuable to embrace your emotion fully and then turn on to action mode. When you are in action mode do the best you can within committed acceptance to make things a little better.
Ask yourself:
Draw your curve(s). Where am I on the curve right now? (Wherever you are is ok)
Who can I talk to about where I am on it? (Not to change where you are, but simply to explore it)
Who is my container? Who could I be a container for?
Where is my space to discuss feelings, which is safe, curious and free of judgement or where could it be?
Who or what could be my secure base? How can I be a secure base to others?
Where is there reflective space for myself and/or for others in my life?
Draw your circles.What is in my circle of control, my circle of influence, and circle of concern?
What action could I take today if I feel ready to demonstrate my committed acceptance that would be helpful right now?
FURTHER SUPPORT
If you want explore your answers to the questions above I’m pleased to offer you a 30 minute video chat. Click the booking button below.